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More about Mega Foods

The Mega Foods in Glen Ridge is where I met Mimi, my wife-to-be. She was bookkeeper  there. Mega stayed open until ten o’clock on Friday nights, and one Friday I offered her a ride home to Newark so she wouldn’t have to take the bus. My girlfriend at the time also worked at Mega, and I took her home every night. She came along on our trip to Newark, riding shotgun. She lived in Montclair, a lot closer to Mega, so for her the trip was wasted time.

As taking Mimi home on Friday night became a regular thing, my girlfriend continued to ride along, picking fights with me on the other nights. I guess she must have had some money saved up, because one morning she came to work driving a brand new Plymouth Fury and told me she wouldn’t need a ride home any more. After that, we only saw each other at work, and only by accident.

1957 Plymouth Fury

Store manager Carl always had an eye out for shoplifters. One day he saw a customer take two eggs out of the carton and slip them into his jacket pocket. He called me over and said “Watch this.” Pushing a shopping cart, he strolled over toward the customer, who was pretending to look at something in the dairy case. Carl let the cart run into the man’s right side, just slightly harder than a tap, and apologized. The customer said “That’s quite all right” and left the store immediately

For more serious shoplifting, the Mega Foods policy was that when a shoplifter was apprehended, they were invited to the back room for an interview with the manager, with an employee also present as a witness. They were encouraged to sign a “Confession” (actual word at the top of the form), and promise not to come back to the store. Interviewing a female shoplifter required a female witness. Mimi got pulled in to witness an interview once where the alleged shoplifter kept telling Carl “If you let me go, I’ll do anything you want. Do you understand? Anything.” Mimi said it was very uncomfortable. I asked if she thought Carl might have wanted her to go for a walk, but she said no.


More tales of Mega Foods here.

Library card

I was a good customer of the Orange Public Library. Usually the first thing I’d do when I arrived was head over to the reference room and take Gray’s Anatomy off the shelf, then find a seat where no one could see what I was studying. It was the already ancient 1905 edition of Gray’s, all black-and-white hand-drawn, scrupulous and scary illustrations of the various parts of the human anatomy, especially the lady parts. It was a well-worn, thick book, and if you set it down on its spine, it would fall open automatically to the V’s.

The non-fiction, or what I thought of as the Dewey Decimal part of the library, was at the back of the building, spread over  three levels connected by metal stairs. The floors between levels were of heavy, translucent glass and as much as you might strain and imagine, you couldn’t see anything of the people walking on the level directly above your head except the bottom of their shoes.

The library had a collection of classical music on 33-and-a-third LP albums; symphonies and operas. German/English and Italian/English side-by-side librettos were available, so I could sing along (“In fernem Land…”) in my living room until someone came home. My mother had no interest in opera of any flavor, but on Saturday afternoons we’d listen to the Philharmonic radio broadcast on NBC together.

There seemed no limit to the information available in the library. Here I found the  recipe for gunpowder, and while browsing randomly stumbled on a book about witchcraft. When I took the book home, I found that one page contained about 20 demonic symbols that could Make Things Happen. One of them, if stared at long enough, would turn the starer into a werewolf. That didn’t seem like such a great idea for anyone, so I averted my eyes and tore out the page. I balled it up and threw it into a storm sewer next day on my way to school. Just a small public service.

After I got interested in building models I stole a thin volume called “How to Make a Ship in a Bottle”. That might be the first thing I ever stole. When my brother saw me reading it, he said “How to take a shit in a bottle” and laughed, and I got mad. I never did make a ship in a bottle, it looked pretty complicated.

 

Stickler Memorial Library, Orange, NJ, early 1900s. It’s still there, kids

Rent a Rolex

In the Boca Raton newspaper one Sunday I saw an ad I thought was both amazing and disgusting: a local jeweler was renting Rolex watches by the month. A rented Rolex would provide a big status boost to an upward-striver of the “fake it till you make it” crowd. The store would even rent you one by the day. I guess that makes sense if the con game you’re working is one of short duration.

`Rolex Submariner watch, courtesy time4diamonds.comThe Rolex Submariner, second-least expensive watch in the Rolex line and retailing at $8100 to $9150, rents for $299 to $500 a month. You’ll need to post a four-figure security deposit.

An article in GQ magazine asks “You Rent Your Apartment. Why Not Your Watch?” One site advertises a rented watch as “An essential tool in every man’s wardrobe … express your personal style and ensure you always have the perfect watch for every occasion.”. Another says “Rent a luxury watch and stand out at any black-tie event.”

Boca was all about luxury. One day we saw two Rolls-Royces parked side-by-side at an upscale mall, one with a designer dog in the driver’s lap, drooling into a tea towel draped over the window sill. A local supermarket, Harris Teeter, had a cocktail bar and a jewelry counter you had to walk past on your way out.

At that time my manager at IBM was a gentleman of first name Lawton, who believed in having the best of everything. He wore expensive suits that always looked fresh from the cleaners, and a woody cologne I assume also was expensive. When you took a business trip with Lawton, you could always spot his Louis Vuitton luggage.

Louis Vuitton Horizon 55, $3400

Monogram detail

Lawton and I had joked about Boca and its superficiality, and when I showed him the ad from the paper, I said “Here’s a great example of everything that’s wrong and phony about Boca.” He said “Well, I have a Rolex, but I own it”, and took it off to show me. It was a nice piece of engineering, heavier than I would have guessed. I don’t remember for sure which sport he said, but I think he said he won it playing football. Fair enough, as far as I’m concerned. I felt embarrassed for bringing up the subject.

It was kind of funny that I sat across from him in meetings breathing his cologne for a year without ever noticing the Rolex sticking out of his French cuff. I’m usually more observant.

This is unrelated to watches, but once Lawton and I had to go to Lexington, Kentucky to visit IBM’s PC printer facility. When we went to get dinner that night, with me driving the rental because I was the junior person, we stopped for a red light at the bottom of a hill. A horse-drawn tourist carriage headed crossways to us was stopped at the crest. With the full moon directly behind him, one of the horses took an extended whiz, hitting the pavement in an explosion of flying, moonlit sparkles – almost like a small fireworks display. I said “Oh, Lawton, isn’t it beautiful?” but he didn’t answer. I don’t understand how he could not appreciate such a once-in-a-lifetime spectacle.


Franck Muller Color Dreams ladies’ watch, courtesy timeandtidewatches.com

Just for fun, here’s a pretty ladies’ watch I ran across while rummaging through the Rolexes. I don’t know if it’s possible to rent one, but you can buy one for $77,000 Australian dollars, $56,315 US. If you ever see a lady wearing one, tell her how  beautiful it is and after a while ask if she’s seeing anyone. It never hurts to ask.

Trailblazer

Photo booth, courtesy ohappyday.com

One evening around 1960 I was headed for New York City, I don’t remember why, and as I walked through Newark Penn Station I heard “Paulie! Hey, Paulie!”. I looked around and saw my brilliant, crazy, crooked friend Pete, from Kingsway supermarket days.

His head and shoulders were visible over the top of one of those 4-poses-for-a-quarter photo booths. He was standing on its adjustable stool and the half-curtain was closed. I walked over, and, not wanting to pry,  simply said “Pete! How ya doing?”

I don’t normally ask people questions about why they’re doing what they’re doing, but he explained anyway. He was going away on vacation with his parents, and was taking a picture of his penis so his girlfriend wouldn’t forget him.

Today, every cell phone is also a camera, and taking such photos is easy. But I like to believe my friend Pete was the first.

Here, my story begins…

A birth, courtesy Pinterest

I don’t know, but I’ve been told


My parents lived in Bloomfield, New Jersey but I was born in Saint Michael’s Hospital in Newark. My real last name (I call myself Paul Smithee on this site) looks Italian because it has a vowel on the end, but we are of traditional pale German-Irish stock. When the time came to bring baby Paul home from the hospital, my mother was quite upset with the nurses when “they tried to give me a little Italian baby!”. I am satisfied any other attempts  at a switch also failed, for I look pretty much like my brother Dick.

A couple of other things that I was told but don’t actually remember: one time I got out of the house naked and walked pretty far down Olive Street before anyone noticed. Once I pulled a chest of drawers over on myself but Dick heard it fall and got me out from under there. Thanks, bro.

Boogeyman

My brother Dick was nine years older than I. Because of the age difference, we moved in different circles, and there wasn’t much we did together, at least not until I got older. Here are a couple of unfortunate exceptions, but I’m not mad, bro.

One night when I was about four, he climbed out of his bedroom window, crossed the porch roof and stood outside mine. Maybe  the moon was full that night, or there was a streetlight behind him, but he maneuvered his shadow onto my screen and proceeded to lurch about and make what I’ll call “scary monster noises”. I guess he hadn’t thought his prank all the way through, because once the noises woke me and I saw his shadow, I freaked out, and ended up with everybody in the house in my room to see what all the screaming was about. Perhaps predictably, I don’t remember anything else that happened that night.

“Shadow Monsters” show by Philip Worthington, courtesy feeldesain.com

Somewhere else here I mentioned, without explanation, that “I broke my brother’s radio”. That could have been in revenge for his scaring me that night, but I’m not 100% sure that the two events are connected.


Another evening, I don’t know whether  before or after the porch roof incident, my mother and father were in the front room, seated at one corner of the table, my brother’s radio between them. They were leaning in, as people did then, listening to music. I simply walked up and shoved the radio off onto the floor, a wordless and terrible act. I don’t know the reason why, but I certainly knew the reason then.

I was not punished or reprimanded in any way for my act of violence, and heard nothing further about it, which suggests that my parents regarded my breaking the radio as some sort of frontier justice.

1940s Emerson table top radio, courtesy worthpoint.com

Unrelatedly, on another evening my mother sent me to pick up something from the grocery store at the end of the block. My brother sneaked out of the house  ahead of me and climbed a low tree overhanging the sidewalk. When  I  got underneath, he reached down out of the dark to grab my face. Somehow I had sensed him there a few seconds before, so I just swatted his arm away and kept walking.

Years later, I asked him if he remembered the radio incident. I wanted to apologize for destroying his radio, and maybe find out what his actual offense was, if it wasn’t scaring me like that. He didn’t remember his porch roof prank, or even his radio. I guess some people are just not good at holding grudges. I know if it was my radio, I’d sure as hell remember what I did that got it destroyed.


Our small house at 402 Berkeley Avenue,
current (2024) Zestimate $532,400. Wow.

 

Kindergarten baby

We lived on Berkeley Avenue in Bloomfield, New Jersey, five or six houses away from Fairview elementary school. Before I got to go to school myself, I watched the bigger kids walk by on their way to school, and couldn’t wait. On my first day of school, I was so excited that I woke up at four in the morning so I’d be ready.

Kindergarten classes were only half-days, with a morning class and an afternoon class. They put me in the morning class, and in the afternoon I played in my front yard. The first time the kids in the upper grades walked by and saw me playing, they chanted “Kindergarten baby, kindergarten baby!” That made me cry, but when I went inside, my mother talked me out of it.

In higher grades, forced learning of  cursive writing  brings dismay. Courtesy Zaner-Bloser

I’m not positive on this, but I think the first thing they did was make us memorize our address in case we got lost. Somewhere along the way we learned to copy individual letters, then they bootstrapped on that by teaching us to print our names, first and last. One of the first things I did with that new knowledge was to write my name on the school steps, which earned me a session with a bucket and scrub brush. Can you imagine making today’s kids do that? You’d have a PTA riot. While  I was scrubbing, my mother walked by but didn’t look over at me.  I think she saw me but figured whatever I was doing I probably deserved it.

In first grade they taught us to read, or maybe they  started in kindergarten. This is kind of a chicken/egg question, but do they teach you to read and write at the same time? I have absolutely zero memory of anything that happened in first or second grade, I don’t know why. But I did learn to read and write.

An interesting angle here – in high school two towns  over, in freshman English we had an exercise where we each got a stack of index cards of author names, and the idea was to put them in alphabetical order. When we started, I suddenly realized I don’t know the alphabet, not in sequence, and had to fake my way through. Does ‘R’ come before ‘P’, or is it the other way around? What are the letters in between?  We were never taught the alphabet song in Fairview, would that have been enough?

That night I went straight to my room after dinner and taught myself the alphabet in A-to-Z sequence, although I’m still slow at it and sometimes have to get sort of a running start from ‘A’ to get the letter-to-letter relationships right. I don’t know who to blame for this.

Bucky Bug

One day during the summer my mother takes me on a bus trip to New York City to visit her cousin. I was never in the city before that. As soon as we get out of the bus on Eighth Avenue, I am impressed by the rich stink, not the garbage-and-urine city stink we know today, but the honest, heavy stink of cows and massive amounts of cow manure. We are at the blocks-long cattle pens of the West Side stockyards, in the city’s slaughterhouse district. My mother half-apologizes for the stink and we start walking east. After a few blocks the air freshens and we go into an Automat, the fast-food restaurant of the day. At the change booth my mother pushes two dollar bills across a marble sill and a brass chute delivers a shower of nickels.

There are walls of sandwiches, pies and much more, each on its own clean plate and behind its own swing-up glass door. Drop enough nickels into the slot, turn the knob, lift the door, slide out your choice. Coffee is a nickel – grab an empty cup, insert your nickel, turn slowly the S-shaped handle to dispense an exact cupful. We grab a table for four, sitting across from each other. Very soon a man approaches and asks “Is this seat taken?”. It isn’t, we say, and he takes a seat between us. Unlike myself, my mother is unfazed by this. There is minimal but cordial conversation. We finish, say goodbye to our new friend and leave. The Automat did not expect its customers to bus their tables.

We head eastward to Third Avenue, home of the Third Avenue Elevated, sort of an above-ground subway line. When we get to our cousin’s building, it stands facing the El and about fifty feet from the tracks. Her apartment is on the third floor and the windows are open. I remember our cousin apologizing for the train noise but it really didn’t seem so bad after a while.

After the ladies get settled in the kitchen, I go back to the front room. Trains come by in one direction or the other every five minutes or so. I am old enough to read and I lie on the carpet by the window and read my Bucky Bug comic.

Automat, Berenice Abbott, 1936

 

How I fought Hitler

When I was born, America’s involvement in the war was still three years away, but Hitler was already well known and widely hated. Fighting him would come naturally, even to little kids. Fortunately, after the war ended, Hitler was forgotten, and his name was never again mentioned. Ha, just kidding!

Here’s how I did it.

How I fought Hitler, part 1 – Starting when I was in kindergarten or maybe first grade, we won the war by bringing in peach pits and tin cans. As the teachers explained it, peach pits were baked into charcoal and used in gas mask filters; tin cans were melted down into tanks. After both ends of the can were cut off and placed inside, I got to flatten my family’s tin cans by jumping onto them off a kitchen chair. Back then, cans were made of tin-plated steel, not the cheesy aluminum they use today. In my teen years, it was a benchmark  of strength to be able to fold a beer can in half with just one hand.

The U.S. paid for the war by selling war bonds. They sold for $18.75, and could be cashed in for $25.00 ten years later (that’s 2.9%). War savings stamps were sold as a way for kids to participate in the war as well. At my school, we were each given a booklet to be filled with 10-cent war savings stamps, with the goal of saving up enough to trade in for a war bond one day. I don’t recall the exact stamp-buying procedure, but if you showed up without your dime on the scheduled buy-and-paste day, teacher was not happy.

How I fought Hitler, part 2 – Here is a link to my recollections of the day the war was over, along with some other early childhood memories. Apologies for some bad language over there, but that Happened too.

How I fought Hitler, part 3 – I didn’t find out about this last way until 25 years afterwards. After my first son was old enough to be toilet trained, I asked my mother if she had any ideas on the ‘when’ and ‘how’. When the subject of ‘aiming’ came up, she became uncomfortable – she had always disapproved of the method, but admitted that when training me, my father had made it a game by having me pretend Hitler was in the toilet.

Nimm das, mein Führer!


Enough said.

WW I Austrian war bonds ad, “And you?”

Save those cans

Thinking ’bout an invasion

Striped Shirt, 1945

Courtesy Cincinnati Enquirer; better image here

I was on vacation between first and second grade. We were living at Uncle Jim’s house. One day all the grownups started acting crazy and laughing and hugging and hollering and crying. I asked them what was going on, and they said the war was over. I asked them who won, but they just ignored me. I ran up and down the front steps for a while. I knew it was important. I had on my brown and orange striped shirt.

Before we lived there we had our own house. A few other things happened. I got hit on the head with a rock. I broke my brother’s radio and looked at a girl’s hiney hole. Italian kids moved in and came to my kindergarten. I asked my mother what two very bad curse words meant. My father stopped coming home. My teacher made me hide my face in her lap. I had to clean the school steps with a bucket and scrub brush because I wrote on them. While I was scrubbing my mother walked by on her way to the store but she didn’t look over at me. I cut off the tip of my finger slicing bread and got a red wagon for not crying too much on the way to the doctor’s.

At Uncle Jim’s house I jumped off his garage roof with an umbrella. I broke off enough roof shingles to build a fort but he made them not punish me. He had his grandfather’s Civil War rifle hanging on a rafter in the cellar.

When we got our own house again I used to play under our dining room table and make believe it was my fort. There was a metal lever there to pull the two halves of the table tight together and I would slide it back and forth and pretend it was the speed control on a trolley car. I wrote ‘fuck’ and ‘shit’ in chalk on the underside of the table and the day the movers took the table apart to bring it to our next house they walked past my brother and me with the words facing out and he laughed but didn’t tell anyone.

“Atom Bomb devastating” – an ocean of contemporaneous news coverage, courtesy Jamie Bradburn’s Tales of Toronto

Roomers

After the war was over, my brother Dick, Mom and I moved out of Aunt Elizabeth’s and Aunt Frances’s houses and into our own rented house on Linwood Place in East Orange. Grandma joined us there; I think she had been staying with Aunt Mabel.

With the troops coming home, there was a national housing shortage, and my mother decided to bring in some extra money by taking in roomers. They would have the large bedroom at the front of the house, and share the single bathroom with us.

Our first roomers were the Turners, a pleasant couple in their thirties. I was unaware of their nighttime activities because my room was at the far end of the house, but  apparently their lovemaking was so loud and frequent that my mother and grandmother came to doubt that they were married. The Turners were asked to leave, whether because of the noise or the not-being-married I don’t know.

Our next roomers were two girls in their early twenties, blond Charlotte and exotic Betty K. They formed a close friendship with my brother, then about 17, which ended when the three were caught by my grandmother “rolling around” on the double bed. There were no further roomers.


As you might guess, the shared bathroom was often in use when I got up in the morning to get ready for school . An empty milk bottle was kept on the top cellar step for when I couldn’t wait. Someone, I assume my mom, emptied and rinsed it later.

I once read a science fiction story about a town where there was a mysterious death-by-poisoning almost every day. The police were unable to determine how the victims ingested the poison. A mad scientist had developed a poison so strong that it remained effective no matter how much  it was diluted. Method of delivery? One drop in an empty milk bottle. After the bottle was picked up and returned to the dairy to be washed and refilled, enough poison remained to take another life. Do you see where I’m going with this? After reading that story, I imagined tiny amounts of my childhood pee distributed to milk drinkers across Essex County and beyond.

“Nature’s most nearly perfect food”

Duck and Cover

Screenshot from Duck and Cover, a 1952 film targeted at school children to instill the constant fear of nuclear attack by the Soviets. – Wikipedia

“The film starts with an animated sequence, showing a turtle walking down a road, while picking up a flower and smelling it. A chorus sings the Duck and Cover theme:

There was a turtle by the name of Bert
and Bert the turtle was very alert;
when danger threatened him he never got hurt
he knew just what to do …
He’d duck! [gasp]
And cover!
Duck! [gasp]
And cover!
(male) He did what we all must learn to do
(male) You (female) And you (male) And you (deeper male) And you!
[bang, gasp] Duck, and cover!“

I did not grow up with a “constant fear of nuclear attack by the Soviets”, and for that happy truth I thank the Orange, New Jersey school board, which made the curriculum decisions affecting me and my schoolmates. We did have some fear, but it wasn’t constant. I’d call it more of a low-grade background  concern, and a condition of life in the 1950s and ’60s.

We had only one duck-and-cover drill at Cleveland Street School, in sixth grade. I don’t recall being shown the Duck and Cover film, or getting any advance explanation for the drill, but one morning we were taught how to crawl under our desks and curl up in a ball. Our classroom was partly below ground level, with the window sills level with the asphalt playground outside. We were told that when we saw the flash we should not look out the window under any circumstances, but instantly get under our desks, facing away from the windows, which would shatter inward in just a few seconds when the blast wave arrived. We should  keep our eyes closed and curl up with clasped hands protecting our necks, tricky when your desk’s iron legs are bolted to the floor.

If we happened to be outside when we saw the flash, we should drop down next to a curbstone, or lie down next to a log (assuming the town’s pioneer settlers left some unused logs behind, which they had not).

We never discussed that drill – in class with the teacher, among ourselves, or with our parents. and we never had another one. I think someone on the school board decided they were pointless, stupid and frightening, and said let’s not do that any more.

There was plenty of other propaganda around to influence us; I remember drawing a picture of a falling atomic bomb I labeled “Happy Birthday Joe”, and it was not  Stalin’s birthday. Later, as a grownup, I would dream a few times a year of silo doors blasting open and missiles sailing out, whether their missiles or ours I never knew. These were not quite nightmares, I was a passive onlooker, but were not pleasant to wake up to at three in the morning.  After the Soviet Union collapsed and the Berlin Wall came down in 1989, the world felt safer and the dreams pretty much stopped.


During the Cuban Missile Crisis in 1962, one of my customers asked if I had sent my family to stay with relatives at the shore, farther away from New York City, a likely target. He was wide-eyed and genuinely frightened, and couldn’t understand why I wasn’t frightened too. That was a good question – I think I just couldn’t believe that either the Russians or us would do anything so crazy.


Fallout Shelter signs were posted on most public buildings; many remain

From a 1963 Department of Defense internal newsletter:

THE SHELTER SIGN. How many really understand the real significance of those black and yellow markers? There are six points to the shelter sign. They signify: 1. Shielding from radiation; 2. Food and water; 3. Trained leadership; 4. Medical supplies and aid; 5. Communications with the outside world; 6. Radiological monitoring to determine safe areas and time for return home. … It is an image we should leave with the public at every opportunity, for in it there is hope rather than despair.

Children’s Day: not what you think

In Sunday School at Washington Street Baptist Church, our teacher informed us that that day was Children’s Day. I didn’t pay close attention to her full explanation, because I (reasonably) assumed Children’s Day would parallel Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, that is, gifts would be given, and I let my mind wander. I had never heard of Children’s Day, either at home or on the radio, so this was a pleasant surprise. Checking Wikipedia today, I see that Children’s Day was

Proclaimed … to encourage all countries to institute a day, firstly to promote mutual exchange and understanding among children and secondly to initiate action to benefit and promote the welfare of the world’s children.

…which sounds like a great idea, but it didn’t do anything for me.

When I got home that day, I looked around for my gift, or gifts. Failing to spot anything wrapped in shiny paper, I asked my mother straight out, reminding her that “Today is Children’s Day!” She said “What?” and looked over at my brother, who offered no help. I think I must have repeated “It’s Children’s Day! Children’s Day!” but couldn’t provide any further explanation. They both remained bewildered, and said they’d never heard of it. I was wordless and fuming, and my brother was laughing. And that is why, to this day, I do not celebrate Children’s Day. Indeed, I am the Ebenezer Scrooge of Children’s Day.

Christmas morning, 1949

Taken with my new Kodak Brownie Hawkeye camera

Two weeks after I first posted this photo, I took a closer look at the background  and noticed there was only one stocking hanging up; that seemed odd. (It’s tacked to the doorframe because that house didn’t have a  fireplace/mantel.) Probably that was my brother’s stocking and I had already taken mine down to see what was inside. People didn’t buy Christmas stockings then; Christmas stockings were just regular boy’s dress stockings pressed into service for the day, and filled with gifts too small to wrap – a single orange all the way from Florida, a half-dozen walnuts, some pencils, a pack of Black Jack gum. That Christmas orange makes me think now of the Godfather II scene where young Vito brings home a single pear from the grocery store; we see it sitting in solitary splendor on the kitchen table as his wife exclaims “Oh, what a beautiful pear-a!”

Christmas eve, I would psych myself to wake up at about four in the morning to see what Santa (or later, whoever) had brought me. I would open the wrapping paper just enough to see what was inside. Any playing with, using, reading, eating, or trying things on would wait until the sun came up. My curiosity satisfied, I went back to bed. The only exception to this rule was the Christmas I got the camera. I was excited, and I studied the instruction booklet, loaded the camera and took my first picture, this time exposure of our tree. I can tell I broke my no-early-using rule that year; in the photo it’s still dark outside.


I have a dim memory of a very young me sitting on Santa’s lap and getting a small, flat box of modeling clay as a gift from his employer, probably Hahne’s, my mother’s favorite department store. I had good fun with that simple pre-Christmas toy, making coiled snakes and pipe figures.

There wasn’t a lot of money for Christmas gifts, but my mother always managed. I remember an Erector set with real nuts and bolts and enough curved steel sections to make a Ferris wheel. A year or two before that, Lincoln Logs, with the logs and roof boards made of real wood, not the plastic crap they use today. Lincoln would weep.

One year, probably 1949, my mother took me down to Newark, “just to look through the stores”. She was trying to find out what I wanted for Christmas. That year atomic energy was a hot subject as the Cold War heated up, and in one of the toy departments I spotted an atomic energy kit, specifically the “Gilbert U-238 Nuclear Physics Atomic Energy Laboratory”. Its price was an astounding $49.95, over $500 in today’s money, so I knew I wasn’t going to be Geiger-countering any uranium ore. That Christmas I ended up with a modest-sized basic chemistry set, which was fun and dangerous and educational too.

Gilbert U-238 Nuclear Physics Atomic Energy Laboratory, with four jars of radioactive ore in the upper left corner, cloud chamber parts in the center – courtesy Webms/Wikipedia


Soon after New Year’s Day, neighborhood kids would drag their family’s Christmas tree and any other trees they could find to the double vacant lot across the street from Vince’s, to await the annual post-holiday accidental Christmas tree fire. There they sat, the pile growing each day, as if nobody knew what was going to happen. There were usually 20 or 30 trees gathered before a sensible limit was reached and agreed on and someone lit a match.

The trees were of course dry by then, and they went up fast, like a genuine forest fire; it was spectacular. Local grownups and even the kids from Pop’s would come to watch. One year someone had thrown a dead cat onto the pile as it grew, and we made mental bets on how long it would take the fire to consume it entirely.

Finally, one year we collected too many trees, and soon after that fire ‘broke out’, a neighbor called the fire department. That particular fire melted the insulation off the lot’s overhead telephone wires. After that, the city began hauling the trees  away  before an ignition-worthy critical mass could accumulate, and eventually the lots were taken over by garden apartments.

+++++++++++++++ Merry Christmas, everyone!

Arbor Day

Arbor Day, Grant Wood 1932

I started this article mainly because it’s spring planting season, but also because I like this Grant Wood painting. I hope you do too. In the United States, Arbor Day dates back to 1872, when an estimated million trees were planted in Nebraska.

Arbor Day was a big deal when I was a kid. It was a sweet way of involving kids with something that might last forever.  People don’t seem to care much about it anymore.

The Arbor Day I remember was at Franklin School in East Orange. Our teacher told us about it, then took us out to the front lawn, where there was a tree sitting in a wheelbarrow, its roots wrapped in burlap. It was a spindly little tree, something like the one in the painting above that you have to look really hard to see. We took turns digging a hole, one shovelful for each kid. Then one of the janitors brought over a hose and we watered our tree.

I tried looking with Google Earth this week to see how our tree was doing, but it wasn’t there, the spot is just grass again. Maybe it spread out too wide and some dopey kid hanging on a branch fell off and got hurt and spoiled it for everyone.  Or maybe it got taller than the school, so tall it drew lightning. That’s the one I want to believe.

That’s all I have to say. If you want to know more about Arbor Day, you can Google it.

Miss Alice Smeaton – teacher, ballroom dancer

Our teacher, Miss Smeaton, got married! She was our fourth- grade teacher at Franklin School in East Orange. The kids all loved her, but none of them loved her more than I did.

One Monday morning she walked into our classroom a few minutes late. She looked so happy! She wrote a strange name on the blackboard: “Mrs. Niedenstein”. She told us she was married now, and that was her new name. She wrote it one more time up in a corner of the board so it wouldn’t get erased. She said some things about how nice her new husband was, and added that she was very happy, as if we couldn’t tell.

The class was quiet, and maybe a little confused at this change to their worldview. Speaking for myself, I think I was a bit jealous: would this interfere with my own relationship with Miss Smeaton? Actually, nothing changed for anyone – if anything, Miss Smeaton, I mean Mrs. Niedenstein, was nicer than ever. However, fourth grade came to an end, and we went on to fifth grade, with a teacher whose name I don’t recall, then on to sixth.

Part way through sixth grade, my family moved from East Orange to Orange, about a mile and a half between houses. Orange had different school days off than East Orange, and I used those extra days to visit Miss Smeaton in her classroom, where she found work for me tutoring a couple of the slower students. Those visits ended when the school year ended, and I never saw Miss Smeaton again.

Writing this 70 years later, I wondered how old she was when she married. Sadly, the way such research usually starts is with a look through the obituaries, and I found one for her husband and one for her. I also found something oddly affecting – I learned that her first name was Alice. I had never thought of Miss Smeaton as having a first name at all.

She and Norman were both about 40 when they married; probably his war service had put their lives on hold, like many others. Later, after they retired, they lived in Ocean Grove for 24 years. Norman died there at 85, then Alice moved to Florida to be near her relatives. She died there at 95.

Kids never think of their teachers as having a life outside teaching, and I guess I’m still a child in that respect: I was surprised, and happy, to read in her obituary that “she was an accomplished ballroom dancer and won numerous awards in dancing competitions.”

So here’s to you, Alice Smeaton Niedenstein, ballroom dancer, and in a way my first love. I hope your last days were peaceful and happy.


5-27-2002 legacy.com


9-4-1992, Asbury Park Press

Franklin School, now the Whitney Houston Academy

Missing Fred

When I think of something that might make an article here, or just part of one, I write it down on an index card, with maybe a few words of detail. Then I stick the card into one of the subject-area note packs I keep.

The last time I went through my “grade school” notes, I saw I had five separate cards with nothing on them but a name, Fred Marasna.

What was so special about Fred that his name kept randomly surfacing in my memory? Well, Fred was the first person I ever knew who died.

On the first day of sixth grade, our teacher told us that Fred had died over summer vacation. I don’t remember her exact words, but they were short and unfeeling, something as direct as “Fred won’t be coming back to school, he died.”

There was no discussion of how Fred died, or what a great kid he was, or how we should feel about it. One day he was there, then he wasn’t. Today, they’d have a special assembly, bring in grief counselors, maybe plant a tree. I’m not making fun of those approaches, they are a huge improvement over the past, where if someone you knew died you just sucked it up and dealt with it, or not, as best you could.


I don’t remember much about Fred. I’m not even sure I’m spelling his last name right. I can’t remember where he sat in our classroom; maybe his illness kept him out of school a lot. I don’t recall ever talking to him. That doesn’t mean he was shut out, it just means the occasion never arose. Maybe that’s part of why his name keeps floating up now.

The year before, our class sometimes played softball at recess, and I do have one specific memory of that, of Fred standing on first base, waiting for the ball.

How things work

The Lever

Slotted bell crank drive

+++++
I first visited the Newark Museum on a field trip from grade school. The mechanical models exhibit was perfect for a kid like me who always wanted to know how things worked.

The models, maybe 80 or 100 of them, were each mounted on a 15-inch square wooden panel. Each had a visitor-operated pushbutton to set it to work performing its own unique, pleasantly noisy motion.

The catalog described the exhibit as “a dictionary of mechanical movements”, and promised to show how one type of motion can be converted to another; and to answer such questions as “how can hundreds of pounds be lifted with a one-pound pull?”

Reciprocating rectilinear motion

Pulley lifts (block and tackle)

The exhibit was commissioned by department store magnate and philanthropist Louis Bamberger, and modeled on a 1928 exhibit at New York City’s Museum of the Peaceful Arts. The Newark Museum’s building itself was funded by Bamberger.

I spent many hours operating those models and studying how they worked. Sadly, a 1980s museum renovation removed the exhibit, and it no longer exists.

Ratchet wheels and drivers

Rotary into rectilinear motion

I didn’t grow up to be a mechanical engineer, but some of my jobs in the world of computing did come with the title software engineer. The only motion involved was the massaging and moving of invisible zeros and ones, much quieter than operating mechanical models, but still rewarding and fun.

Visitors to the Museum of the Peaceful Arts operating the steam-power group, 1930

All images courtesy allmyeyes.blogspot.com

Many thanks to graphic designer and artist Linda Eckstein, for her invaluable article on elemental kinematics, the motion of objects.

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